South East Asia Summed Up in a Single Sentence

Everything there is to know about South East Asia can be summed up in a single sentence:

Life in South East Asia is all about a struggle to be a bigger pig than everyone else.

It’s astounding how much effort people of South East Asia put into ensuring that there is no trace of civilized behavior in whatever they do. I mean, why would anyone want to chew their food with mouth closed when they can smack their mouth up and down like a cow making so much noise it can be heard from the apartment five stories above?

I’m a big fan of documentaries about wild animals, but I have yet to see an animal that would stretch its mouth open as wide as South East Asians do when they eat, or an animal that makes as much deliberate noise eating. This South East Asian mindset of “why should I eat like a civilized person when I can chew louder than a pig in a stay” is mind stopping. The surest way to get eternally disgusted is by paying a South East Asian restaurant a visit when there are locals eating inside.

Photo: South East Asia Is Heavily Saturated with Unpleasant Sights and SoundsPhoto: South East Asia Is Heavily Saturated with Unpleasant Sights and Sounds

Photo: South East Asia Is Heavily Saturated with Unpleasant Sights and Sounds

Similarly, the mindset of “why should I eat soup like a civilized person when I can slurp like a pig eating it” perfectly complements their pig like eating behavior. Whether they drink a beverage or eat a soup, they always make a solid point that whoever’s around while they’re at it, they’re gonna witness the most disgusting slew of slurping noises they could possibly imagine.

Don’t make a mistake of thinking that the effort to outpig one another ends with eating, though. Once finished eating, every South East Asian will spend the following few hours picking their teeth and smacking their mouth as loud as humanly possible trying to clean food residue from between their teeth. Each attempt to smack is worthy of a mention in the Guinness Book of World Records as the loudest and the most disgusting smack produced by a human pig in history. They take it very seriously and will spend hours on end making sure that everyone knows being pigs is more important to them than being civilized.

It only gets better when they walk. The thinking again is: “why should I walk like a civilized person when I can scrape my feet against the ground like a complete idiot?” And scrape they holy eff do. Some surfaces are better and produce quite harsh noises, but some are smoother and don’t echo as well, however that stops them not from ensuring that no step they take is taken without creating as much scraping noise as surface they’re on allows them to.

It doesn’t end there – all South East Asian countries with the exception of Singapore and Brunei go a whole league further in ensuring their pigginess lives on. A picture of a typical South East Asian male is that of a guy with burning cigarette dangling off the corner off his mouth as his hands are busy zipping up the fly after he’d just pissed on the wall in a busy public place. They take great pride in showing how gladly they’ll piss on anything and anyone in plain view of hundreds of passers by. Not only does their pig-like behavior not phase them in any way, it actually makes them feel all macho as if whole world should interrupt whatever they’re doing and give them a clap for pissing on the public building like a pig pisses on a wall in his pig sty.

And while speaking about those cigarettes dangling off the corners of their mouth – let’s not forget that that’s another tool that adds to their macho-like greatness. Is there a No Smoking sign in a bus, in a restaurant, in a hospital, in your hotel or any other place you can think of? Yes, there is but do you think South East Asians care? Civilized people would respect it, but South East Asians make a point of being as big a herd of pigs as they can be. If smoking right before a No Smoking sign can make them a bigger pig than everybody else, then by Golly, that’s precisely what they will do.

Yet they won’t embrace civilized behavior not even if nobody’s watching. Pig is as pig does and that means day or night, rain or shine, with spectators or without. Zero respect for other people is thus upgraded to zero respect for nature and all of her inhabitants. Civilized people would look for garbage bin to dispose of their garbage to, but not South East Asians. Acting civilized is below their level of macho-ness so even if there are garbage bins in vicinity, they will make a point of acting like pigs and will instead (or especially then) litter. If someone can see them litter, so much the better, but even if no one is around to witness the pig, they will still pollute the water, air and earth as much as they can.

Respect for other people’s personal space or peace is also too civilized and as such must be strictly ignored. Pigs don’t act civilized so if you’re on a bus or in other public space which you share with South East Asians, you can count on it that they will pull out their cell phones with external speakers and will play their music as loud as their little gadgets allow them. Would other people on the bus prefer to listen to their personal MP3 player with their headphones on, or would they like to take a nap in peace – who cares. Only civilized people would respect other people’s desire for peace and South East Asians spit civilized behavior in the face so they’re gonna play their shitty music as loud as they can regardless of how much it disturbs others.

Respecting lines in shops so people can take turns in paying for stuff they want in order in which they arrived is also too civilized. Pigs don’t respect others so if you as a person from a civilized part of the world stands in line, they will force themselves before you because pigs have no respect for others so no respect will be shown. And if you’re not a pig to act in the same manner – your problem.

If there is one single word that describes the people of South East Asia better than any other, it is definitely PIG. If there is one sentence that would sum South East Asia up as a whole, it would definitely be that life in South East Asia is all about the struggle of every single individual to be a bigger pig than everyone else.

Staying true to my purpose, I’m saying it like it is without beating about the bush or taming it down to sound politically correct. To me, sharing full truth is more important than bleeps of the sheep. If you’re heading for South East Asia, bring an MP3 player along and if your baggage space allows, pack up a big set of headphones capable of cancelling outside noises. Actually, pack a few of each as if your itinerary takes you outside of Singapore and Brunei, your MP3 player will soon be stolen off you. It’s never about whether, it’s about when. Sooner or later it’ll be gone and trust me, you don’t want to be among pigs without one.

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Visiting the Province of Ilocos Norte

After a week in other parts of the Philippines, a visit to the province of Ilocos Norte was a refreshing change. For the first time since my arrival in the Philippines I felt compelled to pause and stay a bit longer simply because my first day in Ilocos Norte was my first day in the Philippines during which no locals went out of their way to rip me off. There weren’t many other foreigners to see yet locals were always very friendly and respectful. More so than in any other part of South East Asia I have visited. And that made for a very comfortable and enjoyable stay. Needless to say – I was in no rush to move to a different part of the country.

Photo: Ilocos Norte Capitol Building in Laoag

Photo: Ilocos Norte Capitol Building in Laoag

What made instant impression was respect I received from tricycle drivers. They are as bountiful in Ilocos Norte as they are in other parts of the Philippines, yet even though I was the only foreigner around, none came jumping down my throat at any time of my multi week stay. Not after arrival, not before departure nor at any other time have I felt pressured by trike drivers or anyone else on mere premise of me being a foreigner as it is in other parts of SE Asia. As a result, I never felt hesitant to step outside of my hotel room to wander the area because I was always left alone to enjoy as I pleased and at a pace I chose.

This welcoming, no pressure environment which is basically impossible to come by elsewhere in SE Asia save Malaysia, Singapore and Brunei got even more tourist friendly when I went shopping in local marketplaces. I bought rambutan, bananas and mandarins from locally run stalls yet each time I was quoted the same price locals pay. I kept buying fruit all the time because at no time, no seller ever tried to overcharge me.

When I went to eat in local eateries, I was once again charged the same amounts locals pay. Coconut – staple of my diet was also quoted by each seller at a very attractive local price of 20 Pesos (less than $.50). And even when I went to have a few beers in a bar, my total bill always showed correct number, without artificial inflations like it kept happening in other parts of the Philippines.

The only downside to Ilocos Norte – which applies to whole of the Philippines – is crap accommodation for ridiculously high price. Philippines is the only country in the world I know of where you can find even crappier accommodation than in Laos but for more than twice the amount of money. This is completely out of proportion to the cost of everything else in the country and definitely out of what accommodation costs in other SE Asian countries.

Philippines simply offers Philippine quality for European prices. If I compare $30 worth of rooms I stayed in in Barcelona or Berlin to those for the same money in the Philippines, I see my wallet grow hands and beat me up for shelling out so much for such dumpholes.

Other than that, a visit to the province of Ilocos Norte was for the most part a pleasant experience. Although… this self proclaimed True North of the Philippines, which covers the north-west corner of Luzon doesn’t have any mega malls (something the rest of the country is full of). For some, this may be a deal breaker but for me it was a plus. If you take into an account the fact that locals don’t inherently rip foreigners off, you can get more bang for a buck dealing with them than any mega mall could possibly offer.

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Traveling to the Philippines

Philippines is a very special place. Being an archipelago of 7,107 tropical islands, the country has a lot to offer yet its separation from the rest of South East Asia makes it unreachable by overland transportation which results in fewer tourists than seen by other countries of the region. Traveling to the Philippines requires a plane or boat ticket no matter where in the world you are. And after your visit, in order to move on to another country, a traveller would once again need a plane or boat ticket to leave the Philippines. Since SE Asia is a heaven for budget travelers, many give the Philippines a miss due to inaccessibility by the inexpensive means of transportation.

Photo: Philippines Has Some of Most Densly Populated Areas in the World

Photo: Philippines Has Some of Most Densly Populated Areas in the World

Two of the most common things people know about the Philippines before traveling to the country are that it’s extremely corrupt and very densely populated. As for myself – being an established webmaster who runs websites that control several million unique visitors a month, my pre-traveling knowledge of the Philippines extended slightly beyond that. I knew very well of Filipino scammers who scan busy webmaster boards and harvest means to contact webmasters. Typically using ICQ or MSN Messenger, a random stranger from the internet would send you messages insisting that they have a chat traffic affiliate program and can produce large number of leads each week. They never admit that they are from the Philippines, but you can easily say that they are by the overuse of word “Sir”. And when I say overuse, I mean overuse:

“Hi boss, sir. Yes sir we have, sir. Sir we prefer RS billing to use, sir. Sir, we can do it for you sir.”

Most webmasters know that there is nothing out of it but a bunch of credit card fraud and chargebacks. Yet they still occasionally succeed and scam, card-bang and money-grub unsuspecting webmasters. Filipinos specialize in fraud sales and take great pride in it. For those not in the know, it works something like this:

A Filipino with no morality would trick a webmaster into believing that they would generate extra sales/leads for their website/on line business. In exchange, they will have you pay them certain amount of money for each lead/sale. Then they approach unsuspecting people whose chat contact they harvested on the internet and lie to them to get them to sign up to the site on the promise of something that will never happen. This gross cheating and stealing only works when the person who has been robbed doesn’t bother, or is too busy to make a chargeback, but these are rare exceptions.

In simple terms, if you’re a busy webmaster with membership based website and get tricked by the “Sir, thank you sir” Filipino scam, you will end up with members signing up because they were told that for their money they will be getting a slew of things that are not on offer. Sadly, it’s mostly people like our parents who fall for those liars because they are not as internet savvy and don’t have enough experience with on line scammers.

Photo: Jeepney - a Common Sight and Means of Transportation in the Philippines

Photo: Jeepney - a Common Sight and Means of Transportation in the Philippines

Further to the famed endemic fraud, I was however also aware of another, much darker side of the Philippines. As someone who keeps on top of reality by frequenting the reality news websites such as BestGore.com (WARNING – extremely graphic content on that link), I knew that there is hardly another country in the world where as precious little can get you shot as in the Philippines.

A Filipino man would not hesitate killing his brother for as little as singing off key in a karaoke bar (commonly known as Videoke in the Philippines). There are countless documented cases of this happening in the country. In another recent case, a dispute over who’s gonna sing at a karaoke next resulted in a grenade being thrown at the opposing party, killing 6 people and wounding 11. It truly doesn’t take much to get killed in the Philippines. The most innocent of actions can result in instant blood spillage and if it wasn’t for inherent, encouraged and supported xenophobia in Thailand, Philippines would easily take its spot as the most dangerous country for foreigners in the region.

Philippines is also widely regarded as the world’s most dangerous country for journalists. According to the Committee to Protect Journalists, more journalists get killed in the Philippines each year than in the rest of the world combined. It’s even deadlier there than in countries with active war zones. Some of the deadliest massacres of the last 100 years took place in the Philippines, including the Maguindanao Massacre, the Lapiang Malaya massacre, the Balangiga massacre, Nueva Ecija massacre, Negros Occidental massacre, the Escalante, the Mendiola massacre, and so on. Not to mention that the Philippines is also the kidnapping capital of the world, outdoing even Colombia in number of kidnappings that take place there each year. It is not uncommon for travel insurance companies to have specialty “kidnapping packages” for travellers heading for the Philippines. And let’s not forget the travel advisories for Mindanao, including the Sulu Archipelago and the Zamboanga Peninsula due to ongoing armed conflicts perpetrated by Muslim extremists.

So this is what I knew about the Philippines even before travelling to the country. However, having survived Thailand, I flew in unhindered and determined to witness the real deal with my own eyes. What is the Philippines really like for a budget traveller? Is it as dangerous as they say or as friendly as Filipinos would like you to believe? I was about to found out and you can count on it that I will divulge every bit of my experience. As with everything, my reviews cannot be bought. The good, the bad and the ugly – to get the truest picture of what real Philippines is like, stay tuned to the upcoming posts. But before I get there, I need to share one more thing I learned before traveling to the Philippines:

While staying in Pattaya, Thailand – the largest brothel in the world – I learned from an American guy whom I met there about Angeles City in the Philippines. He said Angeles City was a brothel town similar to Pattaya, only operating on a smaller scale. Having bought hookers in both Angeles City and Pattaya, the said American guy told me that unlike Thai girls, Filipino hookers actually work to deserve their money if you barfine them. I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to verify that on my own, but it was definitely an interesting bit of information to have. Woohoo, Philippines here I come!

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