Everything there is to know about South East Asia can be summed up in a single sentence:

Life in South East Asia is all about a struggle to be a bigger pig than everyone else.

It’s astounding how much effort people of South East Asia put into ensuring that there is no trace of civilized behavior in whatever they do. I mean, why would anyone want to chew their food with mouth closed when they can smack their mouth up and down like a cow making so much noise it can be heard from the apartment five stories above?

I’m a big fan of documentaries about wild animals, but I have yet to see an animal that would stretch its mouth open as wide as South East Asians do when they eat, or an animal that makes as much deliberate noise eating. This South East Asian mindset of “why should I eat like a civilized person when I can chew louder than a pig in a stay” is mind stopping. The surest way to get eternally disgusted is by paying a South East Asian restaurant a visit when there are locals eating inside.

Photo: South East Asia Is Heavily Saturated with Unpleasant Sights and Sounds

Similarly, the mindset of “why should I eat soup like a civilized person when I can slurp like a pig eating it” perfectly complements their pig like eating behavior. Whether they drink a beverage or eat a soup, they always make a solid point that whoever’s around while they’re at it, they’re gonna witness the most disgusting slew of slurping noises they could possibly imagine.

Don’t make a mistake of thinking that the effort to outpig one another ends with eating, though. Once finished eating, every South East Asian will spend the following few hours picking their teeth and smacking their mouth as loud as humanly possible trying to clean food residue from between their teeth. Each attempt to smack is worthy of a mention in the Guinness Book of World Records as the loudest and the most disgusting smack produced by a human pig in history. They take it very seriously and will spend hours on end making sure that everyone knows being pigs is more important to them than being civilized.

It only gets better when they walk. The thinking again is: “why should I walk like a civilized person when I can scrape my feet against the ground like a complete idiot?” And scrape they holy eff do. Some surfaces are better and produce quite harsh noises, but some are smoother and don’t echo as well, however that stops them not from ensuring that no step they take is taken without creating as much scraping noise as surface they’re on allows them to.

It doesn’t end there – all South East Asian countries with the exception of Singapore and Brunei go a whole league further in ensuring their pigginess lives on. A picture of a typical South East Asian male is that of a guy with burning cigarette dangling off the corner off his mouth as his hands are busy zipping up the fly after he’d just pissed on the wall in a busy public place. They take great pride in showing how gladly they’ll piss on anything and anyone in plain view of hundreds of passers by. Not only does their pig-like behavior not phase them in any way, it actually makes them feel all macho as if whole world should interrupt whatever they’re doing and give them a clap for pissing on the public building like a pig pisses on a wall in his pig sty.

And while speaking about those cigarettes dangling off the corners of their mouth – let’s not forget that that’s another tool that adds to their macho-like greatness. Is there a No Smoking sign in a bus, in a restaurant, in a hospital, in your hotel or any other place you can think of? Yes, there is but do you think South East Asians care? Civilized people would respect it, but South East Asians make a point of being as big a herd of pigs as they can be. If smoking right before a No Smoking sign can make them a bigger pig than everybody else, then by Golly, that’s precisely what they will do.

Yet they won’t embrace civilized behavior not even if nobody’s watching. Pig is as pig does and that means day or night, rain or shine, with spectators or without. Zero respect for other people is thus upgraded to zero respect for nature and all of her inhabitants. Civilized people would look for garbage bin to dispose of their garbage to, but not South East Asians. Acting civilized is below their level of macho-ness so even if there are garbage bins in vicinity, they will make a point of acting like pigs and will instead (or especially then) litter. If someone can see them litter, so much the better, but even if no one is around to witness the pig, they will still pollute the water, air and earth as much as they can.

Respect for other people’s personal space or peace is also too civilized and as such must be strictly ignored. Pigs don’t act civilized so if you’re on a bus or in other public space which you share with South East Asians, you can count on it that they will pull out their cell phones with external speakers and will play their music as loud as their little gadgets allow them. Would other people on the bus prefer to listen to their personal MP3 player with their headphones on, or would they like to take a nap in peace – who cares. Only civilized people would respect other people’s desire for peace and South East Asians spit civilized behavior in the face so they’re gonna play their shitty music as loud as they can regardless of how much it disturbs others.

Respecting lines in shops so people can take turns in paying for stuff they want in order in which they arrived is also too civilized. Pigs don’t respect others so if you as a person from a civilized part of the world stands in line, they will force themselves before you because pigs have no respect for others so no respect will be shown. And if you’re not a pig to act in the same manner – your problem.

If there is one single word that describes the people of South East Asia better than any other, it is definitely PIG. If there is one sentence that would sum South East Asia up as a whole, it would definitely be that life in South East Asia is all about the struggle of every single individual to be a bigger pig than everyone else.

Staying true to my purpose, I’m saying it like it is without beating about the bush or taming it down to sound politically correct. To me, sharing full truth is more important than bleeps of the sheep. If you’re heading for South East Asia, bring an MP3 player along and if your baggage space allows, pack up a big set of headphones capable of cancelling outside noises. Actually, pack a few of each as if your itinerary takes you outside of Singapore and Brunei, your MP3 player will soon be stolen off you. It’s never about whether, it’s about when. Sooner or later it’ll be gone and trust me, you don’t want to be among pigs without one.

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